"Well, see, the problem is, if we fill the cave with hot, molten lead, it will kill those boys too."
"They're already dead, didn't you listen to me"
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Spelunking (n): the hobby or practice of exploring caves
-Webster's dictionary
Spelunking (v): the act of exploring for the missing condom after deep penetration
-urbandictionary.com
When I was in Puerto Rico a week ago, my friends Bryan, Micah, Sarah and I went on a delightful little spelunking adventure. Since Sarah wasn't into the whole 4-way-with-3-guys thing, our "spelunking" adventure consisted of the first definition above, and I imagine it was the more enjoyable of the 2 options (I think. Though attempting the other definition would certainly be a first for the list). It was an exhausting 10-hour day, so let's get to it.
The day would involve a whole lot of rocks, mud, water and heights. Thus, I wasn't bringing my camera. So while they do actually relay a good sense of the atmosphere and environment, you're stuck with the pics from the adventure tour's website,
The morning started out at 5:00am, as we had to get our asses to the bus stop for the van to pick us, and the other 12 spelunkers, up. And at 5:45, when it did pick us up, we realized that the tour guides would at least have a good sense of humor for the next 10 hours, as they opened to door and had the theme to Indiana Jones blasting (again, at 5:45am in the middle of a major city).
Then a 1 hour ride to the cave, in which the driver and main tour guide riffed the whole time. In Engligh or Espanol, it was damn funny. Really, I can't recommend this tour enough if you just so happen to be in the Puerto Rico area. What? You don't have a friend living down there in a swanky paid-for-by-his-company apartment 50 yards from the ocean where you can crash for free? Pity.
We got to the site, geared up, and then basically stared down a 500 foot drop into a gorge/canyon-like area in the middle of the rainforest. If you were scared of heights or the native headhunters, now was the time to ditch.
The way down was a combo of zip lines . . . .
. . . and rappelling. This really was how it looked going down. Rappel down 50 feet of rock, and then just kind of float the next 150 feet down.
And as you land at the mouth of the cave, it's really quite awe-inspiring.
One of the few times where you have to take a step back and say "is this legit? Am I in a movie? Am I on location?"
One of the last times that happened? About 5 years ago working for a certain medical device company. Being the mature adult I am, I was working in the Uro/Gyno dpeartment, and the product we were working on required a visit to the University of Michigan Hospital. The anatomy PhD working with us was in charge of the test materials, AKA, the cadaver torsos. So, when it was time to test, she picked up a torso out of the sink, with just her arms, and flopped it down on the table. And it sat there, wiggling around, with all of its saw-off bits and pieces showing. She poked it a few times, took a second to think, and then said "nope, it's not thawed yet", before picking it, flopping it back into the sink, and turning on the hot water. It was the first time I saw all the sawed-off sections of a cadaver ("hey, she had a hip implant!"), and it absolutely made my think "am I being Punk'd by Wes Craven?" The medical device industry is SLIGHTLY different than my hometown auto industry.
The cave (part of the 3rd biggest cave system in the world, according the interwebs, which like the pope, are infallible) was a grab bag of terrain. In the picture above, you can see the stream running through the cave on the bottom left. According to the guide, flash floods can cause the water to rise at a rate of 1 foot per minute. So if you're in the cave, and you hear the guide blow 1 long whistle? Like Chris Rock talking about being on MLK Boulevard . . . . RUN. Get the fuck out.
Luckily, despite the rainy weekend, we avoided any flash floods. But, the river depth was all over the place. Some parts were wade-able. In other sections, we got to jump into from rocks 15 feet up.
(if only I had that dude's mustahce. THEN the Puerto Rican chicas would have been impressed)
Of course the cave had the requisite stalactites and stalagmites, and thanks to the aforementioned shitty weather all weekend, there were constant dips throughout the journey. Only a few more thousand years and this little guy up top will get up the courage to stick it to his potential mate down below.
On a few occasions, the guides had everyone turn off their lights. This was both cool (as you couldn't see 1 inch in front of your face) and frightening, as I have yet to mention the happy little critters running around. Crabs and bats and spiders, oh my. The crabs were, well, just crabs. The bats kind of hung out on the cave ceiling, which was more than tall enough for them to not be a concern. But these "little" guys?
Yeah, they were about 10" across. When we got to lunchtime, where we hung out in a giant cave room for about 30 minutes eating our double-zip-locked food, I saw one of these guys scurry away from the spot I was about to sit down at. Needless to say, the next 30 minutes were spent like a crack addict, slapping and itching any part of my skin that felt even the mildest tickle.
I like the phenomenon of the group mentality. If I was dropped into the cave where we ate lunch (the deepest part we went to) completely by myself, with a head lamp and a map, I'm sure I would freak THE FUCK out. But, when put into the same place with 15 or so other people? Meh. Someone will lead us out, and the laws of probability say that if some spider gets the munchies, he's only about 6% likely to choose me. And the bats (which may or may not be vampires) will probably end up grabbing one of the slower links in the chain on the way out. I like my odds!
So after lunch, we headed back out (was gave us a grand total of 3-4 hours of actual "spelunking"), and prepped for the section of the tour that was supposed to be actual work - climing back up. Our guide Rosano had me lead the way up, mostly because he saw my cat-like reflexes on full display climbing rocks in the cave. Or maybe he just had a thing for me and my gringo flair. Sadly, we'll never know. But the 25 minutes or so back up was actually the part you really didn't want to fuck with.
Lots of rocks. Lot of sheer wall faces. One more zipline. Lots of makeshift steps made of rebar. If you didn't properly clip in your carabiner and had a slight mistep? Adios muchacho. Thanks for signing the waiver beforehand. Your emergency contact will be notified. Anyway, the climb was a little arduous, but still fun as shit. At one point, 75% into the climb, I looked down into the canyon, into the rainforest, looked at the zipliners bringing up the rear 150 feet below, and was able to have one more "yeah, this is pretty fucking awesome" moment. Somehow I wasn't able to have the same moment during such list items as good ole #10. And to add the yin to the yang of the Puerto Rican adventure, Item #30 will actually encompass the exact opposite feeling.
And after a post-spelunking shower, we made the hour trek back to San Juan.
You're encouraged to have a post-spelunking shower no matter which of the 2 "spelunking" definitions you participate in.
Though the trip was 99% of everything I could have hoped for, I'm still a little disappointed we didn't catch a glimpse of Al Gore's nemesis . . . the elusive Manbearpig.
Next time Manbearpig. Next time.
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